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I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but I randomly (honestly — I don’t even know WHAT made me think of this person) decided to Google an old classmate of mine.  I think it was because I needed something to distract me (like celebrity gossip) but since I’d already perused the Daily Mail and PopSugar websites today, I opted for something else and randomly (seriously — I was classmates with this person in middle school and some of high school, where I suppose she was somewhat of a celebrity) thought of L.S.  Now, I haven’t seen/heard about/thought of this girl since I was jealous of her perfect highlights back in high school and all of sudden, there she was on my screen, looking like the girl I remembered but… not.  She wasn’t the ‘popular’ girl wearing cool clothes anymore — she was ENGAGED (getting married NEXT WEEK, coincidentally) and she looked like a woman, not a girl, and she almost looked … motherly.

Of course, being the obsessive snoop I am, I looked through her engagement photos on her “wedding website” (or whatever those are called — how would I know since I’m nowhere near getting married!) and it was so strange to see her looking so in love and … happy.  Weirder still was finding out she was a kindergarten teacher and passionate about children.  My mind was exploding — She CARES about things besides being cool?  How is it that she’s graduated from college and completed an internship when I’m just getting back on my feet after flunking out from a top university because of severe depression?

I decided to Google a couple of other girls from middle school, girls I thought would amount to nothing more than going on to becoming slutty sorority sisters after which they would become salesgirls at Wet Seal and eventually become sad, overly-made up former party girls.  NOTHING OF THE SORT — one of the girls I Googled had also gotten engaged recently (I think she already got married) and the other was at school, after taking time off to be a missionary overseas.

Now I know that it’s normal to be shocked or surprised or curious about former classmates, but I guess it kind of blew my mind because:

a) I don’t have a Facebook or any other social media account (yes, I am that solitary old-school adherent who prefers not to share my life online)

b) I’ve spent the past 5 years thinking nothing mattered/humans are crap/I would inevitably off myself

So to see that these girls, these girls who seemingly had no values or sense of direction or depth as human beings, had grown out of their self-important ways, while I, once so disciplined and overly conscientious for my age, had disintegrated into being a sullen teenager with no concrete aspirations made me feel funny.

I don’t like talking about the past years of my life, or acknowledging where I am right now in that slow path to recovery (ew, I even hate the sound of that phrase — “path to recovery”; hell, I even hate that term “recovery”, so vague and insufficient), but I’ll say that I’m glad that at least my world didn’t shatter, my heart drop into an abyss, when I saw how these former classmates had been getting along with their lives while mine stood still; because that (the world shattering, heart dropping) is what would have happened previously and it (to put it mildly) sucked ass.

I lost a lot and it’s weird (but again, thankfully not painful) to acknowledge the losses (which is why I avoid it — period).  I don’t contemplate or plan or imagine — and that’s been working for me for the past few months.  I think I’m realizing I’m ready to set goals and want to accomplish things again, to have dreams and plans and people — friendships, relationships — in my life again.  I used to think it would be a huge “Hallelujah, I’m healed!” moment, but of course it wasn’t, just years of anger and frustration and pity commingled with despair.  It seems like an appropriate ending to this conversation would be “C’est la vie” but that is bullshit, and I’m okay with it being bullshit (wow, now I sound like I’m pontificating — or whatever the term I can’t recall right now).  I still want a *profound* quote to end this post, though…

(Never mind — I’m tired and the only quotes that come to mind are from the Sex and the City episodes I’ve been watching lately, which, as profound as they are, all relate to romance)

More later?